Haven't posted in a month.... I'm hoping to journal a bit over Thanksgiving break. I get a week off from school--and it is MUCH needed, and just in the nick of time, too!

Looking forwards to vacation, time to myself, time with my beautiful Sayde, time with dear friends (moving into their new house in Prescott!), time with family, and time to sleep! Maybe I will get closer to remembering what it felt like to be rested and more "with" myself. These days pass by too quickly for me to grasp the fragments of them.

Ciao!

Twenty-six years and some-odd days ago, I was born. (No, it is not my birthday anytime soon.) However, when I was born at seven months' gestation, my mother had to be air-evacuated from Flagstaff to Phoenix because the Flagstaff hospital did not have a unit for premature babies. I was born. I lived in an incubator for the first weeks of my life, after receiving surgery to repair the holes that burned my under-developed lungs. This came as a result of breathing oxygen for the first time. As a further result of my prematurity, surgery, medication, and so on- I lost part of my hearing. I have lived my life not knowing what it was like to hear any better than I could, with 70% loss and 80% loss in each ear. I didn't know anything different, and my life has been very happy. I also know that if I had not been shipped to Phoenix, my life could have easily been something very different.

A friend told me about this website, and I include my personal story because I ask you to consider looking up this website & petitioning.

http://www.marchofdimes.com/padpetition/index.aspx?a=1&z=1&c=1&l=en

In other news, I have had a great weekend! My Aunt Linda came to stay with me on Saturday morning. She lives in Tempe but desperately needed girl-time and change of scenery. Sedona specializes in scenery! We spent Saturday in Jerome, wandering through the little shops and had a fantastic lunch at Haunted Hamburger. Last night we watched "The Devil Wears Prada," she hadn't seen it before. We ate apples and fancy cheese, and drank a delicious chardonnay. This morning we hiked along the Bell Rock Loop trail, a flat and scenic little path well-covered by tourists. Sayde trotted happily along in front of us. My uncle came to pick her up shortly after the hike ended, and I retreated into my bedroom and had a blissful two-hour nap! Now I'm putting around the house and enjoying the remainder of my weekend... I am considering taking Friday off of work this week! Mm.

Have good Sunday afternoons, folks. Ciao!

Four Weeks

After walking 5 1/2 miles to complete a Relay Walk for Life, with Jackie, Jessie, and Heidi. So much fun!! (Even after 2 unpleasant blisters! It was midnight and lighting was awful, hence the furry-looking picture!)
My parents, various aunts & uncles, and stepdad's parents on a family picnic a few weeks ago.

So my last post was 4 weeks ago... I've been a busy girl!

I spend most weekends in Flagstaff. In fact, this very weekend is the first weekend I have had that has no plans, schedules, committments, driving, or changes. I'm usually attending an appointment, family event, visiting friends in Prescott, or recently, attending a family reunion. It has been busy & fun, but I am so very glad to just have some peace this weekend.

The school district did (FINALLY) hire an aide for the student I had been babysitting for the first weeks of school. It is working out much better than I had hoped. The aide is professional, willing, and experienced. Best of all, having Bruce on board has allowed me to start working with the other kids whom my job revolves around. My students have been patient, and some of them have been working so very hard to do well. There is still a lot of dysfunction with our principal- spineless and ill person that he is. Fortunately he is in Maine until next Tuesday, so we teachers have enjoyed the fresh breath of air that we can take in his absence. One of my students heard about him being gone, and told me, "Oh! So that's why the school feels so much happier today." Even the kids pick up on the tension. He's a jerk, but I involve him as little as I possibly can with my business. So far that seems to be working. I have a tremendous amount of support from the teachers I work closest to, and so much encouragement. It has been a blessing to be reminded of this fact in stressful moments. My days are very busy, a lot of coming & going. I have really enjoyed getting to work with my students again. I missed a lot of their learning & academics during my weeks with Z, and I'm constantly trying to catch up and fill in the gaps. I remind

myself that I'd much rather be scrambling to fill in gaps than babysitting- and all is well again.

I have begun taking a light dose of anti-depressant. Its been 2 weeks now. It has made a world of difference in my life, without intending to sound overly dramatic. My perspectives have shifted, my mood lightened, and I have found it so much easier to just be happy. It is sort of like being on a caffeine boost, just lighter and air-ier. I don't know. I do find that they are helping me.

I submitted an application for a studio apartment that is in the town of Sedona. (Here, in the Village, I live about 20 minutes away from town. 6 miles but full of chaotic road construction.) The place is small, but functional. It has no bath-tub, which is the biggest frown for me. I love my daily bath and time for reading. I could adjust to reading in bed. There also is not a full kitchen, but it could work. The big draw for me, and why I applied for it, is that it costs $650/month, including utilities. My current rent is more than the amount of one of my paychecks, not including all the utilities. I would be able to save about $450/month if I am accepted to this studio. There is a huge fenced in yard, which Sayde loved at the interview that we went to. The owner of the place lives in a separate house on the property, and I'd have full access to washer/dryer and my own parking driveway and private entrance. I should know by the end of this weekend whether or not I have been accepted. I am trying to be neutral about it. I hate the thought of moving, and uprooting, and readjusting all over again. I have moved so much in the last 8 years- I am sick of it. But financially, I cannot deny that this would be a very smart "move" in the most literal sense.

One of my dear friends from my previous school district, Shanna, gave birth to her second daughter very recently. A sweet little girl that they named Johanna. Her older sister Addie is 12 years old, which makes for a very fun family dynamic. I am so excited for all of them, and I can't wait to meet Johanna!!

Crystal holding her newest neice, baby Johanna. So excited for their new addition to the family!! What a lucky little girl.

Overall... Life is going pretty well these days.

I am healthier, happier, and I have the sweetest dog in the world. I do lose sight of these blessings from time to time. Just give us a cloudy, cool Saturday to lounge in our respective comfort zones, and leftover Thai food to savor- and we are well.

Optimistically hoping for rain,

Linds

UPDATE: The studio apartment was offered to someone else, so I am not going to be living there. I'm okay with that. I still am looking and researching.... I even e-mailed another rental listed to find out more about it... It rained earlier today, and smelled so wonderful.

A Day in (My) Life...

Negative Thinking:
Awful Kid continued his awfulness all afternoon yesterday. When I confiscated the "note" that he was writing on paper with two of his little buddies, and reminded the 3 of them (not just Z) to keep on task, he proceeded to give me a hands flicked into the air gesture that said "What the Heck do you think you're doing!?" After I left the pod and sat down again, he kept turning around to glance at me to see if I was still watching. (Has he not figured out yet that I take notes of every thing that he is doing!?) When Z showed his buddies how to blow papers across their desk, and then all 3 of them were playing stab-the-wad-of-paper, rather than listening to the instructions that were being given on a huge research project they are about to start. At this point, Z was initiating all of the distractions and I wanted the other 2 kids (who don't have a fulltime babysitter) to get their work done. Several more reminders of paying attention to the teacher went unheeded. So I then moved from my seat to sit at the pod with them. Again I reminded in an even, calm tone of voice that they all needed to be paying attention, that this was not the time to be playing games. I would be sitting with them to help them remember. Z then started screaming at me, You don't have to SIT next to me! I wasn't doing anything I wasn't suppsoed to be doing! I don't want you to sit with us! Rarrarrarrarar!!! I turned my face away from him, so that I could listen to the teacher's instructing, and pretty much tuned him out entirely- though the screaming went on for quite awhile longer, and loudly. He then began throwing his papers across the pod, flinged his pencil towards another group, and had a classic temper tantrum that I would expect from a 3- year old. But I never raised my voice at him, or asked him to do a task that was beyond his ability. My role in this aide position is to redirect him and to keep him on task for learning. Which I did. But I did very firmly tell Z, "You will not talk to me in that tone of voice. Do you hear me?" It didn't do the least little bit of good, because he continued to yell and holler. He banged his pencil against the desk while Mr S was talking, drummed his hands loudly on his desk, shouted out that another group "SUCKS!" because they were assigned the US region that he wanted. He interrupted people/teacher constantly. He also roamed the classroom during the time that he was supposed to be working on his project. He pestered other kids, and fortunately they were able to ignore it. When he finally did re-join his group, he then was ordering them where to put their pictures on their slides for the Power-Point they were creating. He was dictating the entire thing, where to put their map on the slide, where the flags were to go, what it should say. It was sickening. Mostly it is just the combined experiences, the hundreds of pages of documentation that I have, and all the mini snapshots like this one put in one. These combined make for the whole picture, that I can't even begin to portray in writing. There is just TOO MUCH. But he truly is awful.

I mention it again, that this kid is almost 14 years old!! UGH!! He is so unbelievably immature. The kids in High School are going to EAT HIM ALIVE. Given yesterday's experience, I'm sure I'll be called in to have to deal with his mother (AGAIN) on Monday. The cycle is disfunctional, there is NO support from school administration, and I have no hope of anything ever changing. UGH. Lots of capitalization = lots of frustration.

Hate this, hate this, hate this, hate this, hate this.......

Positive Thinking:
We have a new, real Aide hired for Z beginning on Monday. I will still have to spend several days in the next few weeks training Bruce, so it hasn't entirely ended. But I am glad that there will be another body to do this job. Mine is giving out on it. Bruce has Aide'd before, and I have worked with him before as a district substitute. He's a really good guy. An older guy, he is very grandpa-like. I don't know yet how he will be able to handle Z, but perhaps it will work better with a male rather than female.

I *DO* have a meeting with the Teacher's Union on Monday afternoon. I have been looking fowards to this for so long now. The thought that they might be able to intervene on my behalf, and on behalf of the several other kids who aren't getting an education, being around this kid-- this is the only thing that I am able to use to offer myself comfort.

Had a really fun time at dinner last night. It being Friday yesterday, I met with Heidi and Jackie (and her husband & kids) plus a few other teachers at a restaraunt/bar called Olde Sedona. The sun was setting, it was shady and cooling off on the outside patio, and it was a lovely environment. It was great to have a drink in my hand and just savor every sip while talking with good people. I had a really good time. I woke up at 4am today, very clearly hearing Z's ugly voice still screaming in my ear, on constant replay over and over and over. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. So I read, and I write.... Today, I'm showering, then heading to Phoenix for the weekend. My favorite cousin is having a baby shower, and I really want to swim in my grandma's pool. I also intend to purchase good athletic shoes. Three days of doing Curves in a row, as well as the last few weeks of going, have shown me that the wrong shoes really make one's legs really hurt. So I need shoes, too. Yay for getting away from the crazy people in Sedona for a few days!!

Time to get movin'!

Over-Due Post

Quickly-typed post, and be fore-warned that my thoughts are not organized at this point of beginning. I'm just typing as I go!

I love 3 day weekends... except for that they are never, EVER long enough. I had fun in Prescott with Sarah, Patrick, and their kids. We watched a movie & ran simple errands. We also sat by their backyard fire pit and I spent the night on their couch. A. came and cuddled with me in the early morning, it was sweet. It was lovely just to be somewhere else outside of normal routine. I especially loved hanging with my little buddy, T, and giving him piggy back rides. On Sunday I went to the county fair with a friend, and laughed like crazy on the 4 rides that I did go on! Then I lounged/cleaned on Monday. It was nice to get out of Sedona, and even Flagstaff, for a brief while. I long for the change of scenery frequently.

School is pretty much completely awful. Still awful. I haven't even begun TEACHING yet. (And yes, it is now September.)

I am still having to be an "aide" for the most awfullest kid in the entire world. I am so not even going to get into the history of this one, all the 18-participant/hours-long/several/recorded/manipulated/accused/defended/pointless meetings that I have been a part of, with this Mother & Student. Assisting this child means that every day I get snapped at, stink-eye-d, glared at, refused assistance, ignored, snapped at some more.... I am beyond all hope that this child can ever be a functional human being. He is so dependent on his mother for everything, and the two of them concoct accusations over tiny little incidents that are full of mis-truths and skewed perceptions. (Did I mention that this student is 14 years old??) My principal is useless in the situation. He still has not hired an Aide ("The Special Ed teacher can do it, no problem, we don't need to worry about it.") How about the part where I have 14 other students with IEP's who are not getting the level of service that they need!?? I am so far out of compliance already, it is frightening. I live in fear of one of my other 'parents' will learn of the situation, and then before I can blink I am back in another accusatory meeting with a threatened lawsuit in front of me. Except I DO know that the person out of compliance is my principal. Ugh. There's so much that I cannot even begin to start typing it all out from the beginning... I hate work. I truly do loathe this student and anything to do with him. Principal just indulges in their wishes, to keep them happy, but completely without making the situation any easier/do-able for his staff, and not within the best interests of the student. I have a team of teachers behind me who support me, and know that this is so incredibly wrong.

I'm documenting everything.... including the wrongful actions taken by my administrator. I believe many of these actions to be illegal. I finally worked up enough cajones to alert the Teacher's Union. I have a meeting with them scheduled for next week. (That thought has been my saving grace these last 2 weeks!) However, in the meantime, I am losing weeks of service time with the students I want to be with, who can be helped, and I do miss these kids very much... It is hard to see them in the classes I am in with Z, and not be able to help them when they look to me for help. It is hard to walk past them on campus and know that they won't be a part of my day outside of that brief moment of "hello." In the meantime, I am biding my time, knowing that it will be Principal on the stands defending a case he knows nothing about- not me.

It is so very frustrating to be this powerless, and to have this task be dictated to me by three very incompetent, unhealthy people. I still find no rest, from this, despite the very limited amount of action that I can take... I am so frustrated, I can hardly breathe when I get home from work sometimes. My nightmares are starting back up, too, and if it's not that- I am waking up at 4am once again consumed by thoughts in this situation. I can't express into words how much I truly do hate this. I hate that at 26, I am considering leaving teaching after 4 years. This is not what I am here to be doing, I am a very highly paid babysitter, sitting still for the abuse time after time after time. I'd rather be a poorly paid teacher, because that is where my heart is... Except that it's still on hold. Still. I have had several recommendations to look for a new career. I'll wait to talk to the Union representative. There certainly are several binders and boxes full of documentation on this one little kid to present!! No life changes this week.

Now for some positive thinking. Because I just got home from a work-out and I'm supposed to be full of endorphins, right?!

I signed up with my Curves group (Oh yeah! I joined Curves with 2 of my co-workers! Yay me!) for participating in the Sedona Relay for Life, through the American Cancer Society. So next Friday night, I'll be walking for 2 hours. Should be interesting! Curves has been challenging, but I do notice that I am feeling better after a session. Heidi & Jackie keep me laughing, and we motivate each other. So far I have been able to go 2 x a week, but am hoping to bump it up to 3 or even 4 times, perhaps. My scheduling has been a bit off, but it's settling. The major thing is: I'm being pro-active in this, for 2 reasons: I hate my weight, and it's Stress-releasing. Sayde & I are still walking at least twice a day, for maybe 25 minutes total. Sometimes it is more.

I also began working with a new counselor. I see Deb on Saturdays, and have gone for the past 2 Saturdays. (Skipping this next Sat. as I will be in Phx.) She is a bit aggressive in her manner of speaking, but aggressive with the truth. Which is a good thing, actually, in my case. I won't list out the details here, too public. But it's good so far. Some other changes in this category coming, in the future.

I'm also really hopeful that I have found someone willing to commit to the PF Chang's 1/2 Marathon event in January. Heidi & Jackie, Matt & Diane are all going to run- I am the only walker. But the director of our Curves organization here in Sedona is active in lymphoma research, so we're pretty confident that she will walk with me! Hoping...

Talked with an ex-boyfriend/old friend online for several hours tonight. Lots of good conversation. I appreciated the different perspective and "real" thinking that makes me re-evaluate my own as indulged and silly. I laughed, too, and that felt good.

Frustrated and hoping, and utterly exhausted. Even after a 3-day weekend. They're never long enough!!

Thankful for:
My good friends & parents who are amazing about letting me vent, get it out of my system, and are encouraging. They also bring me back to Reality, reminding me that while I cannot change the world, I can change how I react to it. (Even if I haven't learned HOW to do that, yet.)

Time for that wonderful thing called a bubble-bath...... Gonna have some wine tonight. Mmm. Goodnight.

Monday Morning

Last week has been an exhausting, stressful, and frustrating week- and the reason why I have not posted as of late. I slept over 15 hours on Friday night/Saturday am. I have some exciting hopeful-plans to share, and updates to write. Perhaps another post later tonight, if I can! As for now... Monday looms again. I hope that I am actually able to do my own job today!

Glad that the morning was cool for walking with Sayde. It's a bright, clear, and sunshiney day. I hope that the feeling lasts...

Happy Reunions, Sad Departures

I remember, there was mist ...Swirling mist upon a vast glossy lake ...There were candles all around - And on the lake there was a boat ...And in the boat there was a man ...Who was that shape in the shadows? - Whose is the face in the mask?

-Phantom of the Opera, "I Remember/Stranger Than You Dreamt It"

Of course I am still awake at 11:30, and typing when I very well should be asleep. "Phantom of the Opera" is playing- and rather loudly inside my head- lingering from my viewing of the movie over the weekend. Tomorrow, I have to wake up again at 5:30am, as I have a training that starts at 8 that I have to leave by 7:15 for. Yeah, I should've been asleep quite awhile ago. My stomach is having issues tonight- ate way too much food at dinner- and am kept awake. I went and got my laptop and brought it into bed with me, so I'm at least IN my bed as I type this. Now I'm reading other peoples' blogs, commenting, and google-ing. Of course, it's only typical on a night I should've been asleep much earlier.

Today was the first day of teachers-reporting-to-school-sites-for-trainings, meetings, and work-in-your-classroom-time. Our first official day of school, with students, is next Tuesday (12th). I woke up this morning feeling optimistic and positivity was in the air, as well as a stunning sunrise. (Been a few months since I've been awake to see the sunrise!) Even the thought of having to begin my day at school at a meeting that was led by a principal I do not have fond feelings for, was not enough to start my day off on a bad note. ("Fond" is not the word I want to use, but I'm not writing about my principal tonight. You'll hear about him over the next school year- in fact, you'll probably hear plenty.) Teachers were provided with delicious bagels and cream cheese (lite for me), and there even was a sugar-free juice option in the beverages line-up. Another good start. We listened to Principal talk about his vacation in Maine, his grandson (who can pee now, as I heard him say... !?) , and then talk for 2 solid hours about AIMS testing scores. My head being so incredibly mathematically-challenged, did not process about 75% of what Principal had to say. I did try, but I had a very difficult time absorbing it. Yes, part of this is due to my lack of experience in education, as I don't yet have years and years of solid experience. After Principal was through talking, and other people finished their schpiels, I worked in my room for a couple hours. My co-worker Heidi texted me, and the Junior High team was off to a reunion lunch at the wonderful bakery here in the Village (Desert Flour, "DF"). Truly good food. Though the conversation was fast-paced, with summertime stories being shared, curriculum and behavior control plans being discussed, it was so very good to be among this group of peers once again. I shall share a photo from May of these characters:

Above: Matt (social studies), myself (sped), Tim (science), Heidi (language arts), and Jackie (math)

Matt injured (broke) his collarbone this summer during a mountain-biking accident. He is LUCKY to have worn a helmet, he likely would have been paralyzed if he hadn't! Matt's wife Diane, who also works at BP, told me today that it was also very lucky that he could not see his own injury- his collarbone had snapped in half, and was protruding through his skin. (Not so lucky for her, who managed to calmly and cooly get him off of the mountain and to an ER, while trying not to look at her husband's neck!) Our dear science guy, Tim, celebrated his last year of teaching this past May - the pic was one of our last gatherings with him before he left AZ. He retired and took on a business venture with family in Oregon, leaving AZ immediately after the year ended. Sadly to report, the venture failed pretty solidly- the economy is just not what it needed to be for him. I continue to hope for him, though, and eating lunch at DF with the team (sans Tim) was so strange. Tim's replacement, Rod, was there. He seems to be a strange and somewhat pushy fellow, and I find his classroom uninspiring/sterile-- but time will tell as to how he fits with the team that the 4 of us are. I really want to keep an optimistic and open mind, though I admit that I'm horrible at sticking to first/2nd impressions. Truly, I am so fortunate to work with these folks, and to work so closely. Each of these 4 (above) are deeply invested in the SpEd students as well as regular kids. They are so flexible about accommodating or giving one of my/our kids extra tutoring if needed, or in modifying an assignment to the student's ability level. They are encouraging when I'm tired, lend supportive shoulders when I need an extra shoulder to stress on because mine are crippled under the weight... Heidi, especially. She is truly my Sedona Mom. She has a daughter close in age to me. Heidi and I think very-very-very similarily, and work very well in the classroom together. There's a dynamic that works well, and the kids laugh when a total-dork-moment between us passes during class. I laugh with her... oh, man, do I laugh. I don't even notice at all anymore, nor do I mind in the least, that she is 30 years older than I am.

The sad part of my day came after I got my copy of the school-wide class rosters. While looking through each of the classroom teachers' list of students, I was highlighting names of the students on myc aseload who qualify for SpEd. I counted the number of students that I have that will be in 6th grade. (My caseload are the Resource students in 5th, 6th, 7th, & 8th grades) The number of 6th grade SpEd kids didn't measure up to the number it should have been based on who was in 5th last year. I realized it then -- My boy "S" was missing. I quickly ran down to the office and inquired as to why "S" didn't appear on the list. I learned that his family moved to Cottonwood, and he was officially withdrawn. Now, students come and go all the time- I know this. Truthfully, sometimes I *smile* internally at this when I see a certain problem leave the district... But today I wanted to cry, at this departure. "S" was one of the kiddos I worked especially hard with last year, and is truly a kid who was settled and thriving in our program. He is the last of his namy siblings to go through BP and SpEd. He's had a rough history, is very often overlooked among the inhabitants of his busy-busy home, and I was learning how to try to meet his needs emotionally as well as academically. His heart needed a bit more love than some of the others did, and Ienjoyed slipping him a goofy comic strip or making a silly face at him when he needed a perk-up. My boy "S" knew all sorts of random trivia relating to pie, and I don't mean the mathematical kind of pi. S knows all about the kind of pie filled with apples, cinnamon, peach, pumpkin... The kid absolutely adores all things pie. I even gave him a "peace" of pie (picture) once. He loved practicing his letter-writing skills during a unit we did in composing letters to an Army friend of mine who was at the time serving in Afghanistan. S's face lit up when this friend, Luke, came home for Thanksgiving and came to the classroom for a visit with the kids.

I wish that S knew how many moments of my life were made brighter by his playful humor and the moments he let pieces of his vulnerability show through the 'armor' he hung onto so tightly. I will miss his ray of sunshine in my classroom. Perhaps cheesy words, but ones that are true.

Thankful tonight for kids who remind me of WHY I am here, doing what I am doing. Thankful tonight for these reminders of people I love.

Ok. Enough. Time to get a TUMS and finally claim a few hours of sleep for myself... 'night.