Over-Due Post

Quickly-typed post, and be fore-warned that my thoughts are not organized at this point of beginning. I'm just typing as I go!

I love 3 day weekends... except for that they are never, EVER long enough. I had fun in Prescott with Sarah, Patrick, and their kids. We watched a movie & ran simple errands. We also sat by their backyard fire pit and I spent the night on their couch. A. came and cuddled with me in the early morning, it was sweet. It was lovely just to be somewhere else outside of normal routine. I especially loved hanging with my little buddy, T, and giving him piggy back rides. On Sunday I went to the county fair with a friend, and laughed like crazy on the 4 rides that I did go on! Then I lounged/cleaned on Monday. It was nice to get out of Sedona, and even Flagstaff, for a brief while. I long for the change of scenery frequently.

School is pretty much completely awful. Still awful. I haven't even begun TEACHING yet. (And yes, it is now September.)

I am still having to be an "aide" for the most awfullest kid in the entire world. I am so not even going to get into the history of this one, all the 18-participant/hours-long/several/recorded/manipulated/accused/defended/pointless meetings that I have been a part of, with this Mother & Student. Assisting this child means that every day I get snapped at, stink-eye-d, glared at, refused assistance, ignored, snapped at some more.... I am beyond all hope that this child can ever be a functional human being. He is so dependent on his mother for everything, and the two of them concoct accusations over tiny little incidents that are full of mis-truths and skewed perceptions. (Did I mention that this student is 14 years old??) My principal is useless in the situation. He still has not hired an Aide ("The Special Ed teacher can do it, no problem, we don't need to worry about it.") How about the part where I have 14 other students with IEP's who are not getting the level of service that they need!?? I am so far out of compliance already, it is frightening. I live in fear of one of my other 'parents' will learn of the situation, and then before I can blink I am back in another accusatory meeting with a threatened lawsuit in front of me. Except I DO know that the person out of compliance is my principal. Ugh. There's so much that I cannot even begin to start typing it all out from the beginning... I hate work. I truly do loathe this student and anything to do with him. Principal just indulges in their wishes, to keep them happy, but completely without making the situation any easier/do-able for his staff, and not within the best interests of the student. I have a team of teachers behind me who support me, and know that this is so incredibly wrong.

I'm documenting everything.... including the wrongful actions taken by my administrator. I believe many of these actions to be illegal. I finally worked up enough cajones to alert the Teacher's Union. I have a meeting with them scheduled for next week. (That thought has been my saving grace these last 2 weeks!) However, in the meantime, I am losing weeks of service time with the students I want to be with, who can be helped, and I do miss these kids very much... It is hard to see them in the classes I am in with Z, and not be able to help them when they look to me for help. It is hard to walk past them on campus and know that they won't be a part of my day outside of that brief moment of "hello." In the meantime, I am biding my time, knowing that it will be Principal on the stands defending a case he knows nothing about- not me.

It is so very frustrating to be this powerless, and to have this task be dictated to me by three very incompetent, unhealthy people. I still find no rest, from this, despite the very limited amount of action that I can take... I am so frustrated, I can hardly breathe when I get home from work sometimes. My nightmares are starting back up, too, and if it's not that- I am waking up at 4am once again consumed by thoughts in this situation. I can't express into words how much I truly do hate this. I hate that at 26, I am considering leaving teaching after 4 years. This is not what I am here to be doing, I am a very highly paid babysitter, sitting still for the abuse time after time after time. I'd rather be a poorly paid teacher, because that is where my heart is... Except that it's still on hold. Still. I have had several recommendations to look for a new career. I'll wait to talk to the Union representative. There certainly are several binders and boxes full of documentation on this one little kid to present!! No life changes this week.

Now for some positive thinking. Because I just got home from a work-out and I'm supposed to be full of endorphins, right?!

I signed up with my Curves group (Oh yeah! I joined Curves with 2 of my co-workers! Yay me!) for participating in the Sedona Relay for Life, through the American Cancer Society. So next Friday night, I'll be walking for 2 hours. Should be interesting! Curves has been challenging, but I do notice that I am feeling better after a session. Heidi & Jackie keep me laughing, and we motivate each other. So far I have been able to go 2 x a week, but am hoping to bump it up to 3 or even 4 times, perhaps. My scheduling has been a bit off, but it's settling. The major thing is: I'm being pro-active in this, for 2 reasons: I hate my weight, and it's Stress-releasing. Sayde & I are still walking at least twice a day, for maybe 25 minutes total. Sometimes it is more.

I also began working with a new counselor. I see Deb on Saturdays, and have gone for the past 2 Saturdays. (Skipping this next Sat. as I will be in Phx.) She is a bit aggressive in her manner of speaking, but aggressive with the truth. Which is a good thing, actually, in my case. I won't list out the details here, too public. But it's good so far. Some other changes in this category coming, in the future.

I'm also really hopeful that I have found someone willing to commit to the PF Chang's 1/2 Marathon event in January. Heidi & Jackie, Matt & Diane are all going to run- I am the only walker. But the director of our Curves organization here in Sedona is active in lymphoma research, so we're pretty confident that she will walk with me! Hoping...

Talked with an ex-boyfriend/old friend online for several hours tonight. Lots of good conversation. I appreciated the different perspective and "real" thinking that makes me re-evaluate my own as indulged and silly. I laughed, too, and that felt good.

Frustrated and hoping, and utterly exhausted. Even after a 3-day weekend. They're never long enough!!

Thankful for:
My good friends & parents who are amazing about letting me vent, get it out of my system, and are encouraging. They also bring me back to Reality, reminding me that while I cannot change the world, I can change how I react to it. (Even if I haven't learned HOW to do that, yet.)

Time for that wonderful thing called a bubble-bath...... Gonna have some wine tonight. Mmm. Goodnight.