Monday Morning

Last week has been an exhausting, stressful, and frustrating week- and the reason why I have not posted as of late. I slept over 15 hours on Friday night/Saturday am. I have some exciting hopeful-plans to share, and updates to write. Perhaps another post later tonight, if I can! As for now... Monday looms again. I hope that I am actually able to do my own job today!

Glad that the morning was cool for walking with Sayde. It's a bright, clear, and sunshiney day. I hope that the feeling lasts...

Happy Reunions, Sad Departures

I remember, there was mist ...Swirling mist upon a vast glossy lake ...There were candles all around - And on the lake there was a boat ...And in the boat there was a man ...Who was that shape in the shadows? - Whose is the face in the mask?

-Phantom of the Opera, "I Remember/Stranger Than You Dreamt It"

Of course I am still awake at 11:30, and typing when I very well should be asleep. "Phantom of the Opera" is playing- and rather loudly inside my head- lingering from my viewing of the movie over the weekend. Tomorrow, I have to wake up again at 5:30am, as I have a training that starts at 8 that I have to leave by 7:15 for. Yeah, I should've been asleep quite awhile ago. My stomach is having issues tonight- ate way too much food at dinner- and am kept awake. I went and got my laptop and brought it into bed with me, so I'm at least IN my bed as I type this. Now I'm reading other peoples' blogs, commenting, and google-ing. Of course, it's only typical on a night I should've been asleep much earlier.

Today was the first day of teachers-reporting-to-school-sites-for-trainings, meetings, and work-in-your-classroom-time. Our first official day of school, with students, is next Tuesday (12th). I woke up this morning feeling optimistic and positivity was in the air, as well as a stunning sunrise. (Been a few months since I've been awake to see the sunrise!) Even the thought of having to begin my day at school at a meeting that was led by a principal I do not have fond feelings for, was not enough to start my day off on a bad note. ("Fond" is not the word I want to use, but I'm not writing about my principal tonight. You'll hear about him over the next school year- in fact, you'll probably hear plenty.) Teachers were provided with delicious bagels and cream cheese (lite for me), and there even was a sugar-free juice option in the beverages line-up. Another good start. We listened to Principal talk about his vacation in Maine, his grandson (who can pee now, as I heard him say... !?) , and then talk for 2 solid hours about AIMS testing scores. My head being so incredibly mathematically-challenged, did not process about 75% of what Principal had to say. I did try, but I had a very difficult time absorbing it. Yes, part of this is due to my lack of experience in education, as I don't yet have years and years of solid experience. After Principal was through talking, and other people finished their schpiels, I worked in my room for a couple hours. My co-worker Heidi texted me, and the Junior High team was off to a reunion lunch at the wonderful bakery here in the Village (Desert Flour, "DF"). Truly good food. Though the conversation was fast-paced, with summertime stories being shared, curriculum and behavior control plans being discussed, it was so very good to be among this group of peers once again. I shall share a photo from May of these characters:

Above: Matt (social studies), myself (sped), Tim (science), Heidi (language arts), and Jackie (math)

Matt injured (broke) his collarbone this summer during a mountain-biking accident. He is LUCKY to have worn a helmet, he likely would have been paralyzed if he hadn't! Matt's wife Diane, who also works at BP, told me today that it was also very lucky that he could not see his own injury- his collarbone had snapped in half, and was protruding through his skin. (Not so lucky for her, who managed to calmly and cooly get him off of the mountain and to an ER, while trying not to look at her husband's neck!) Our dear science guy, Tim, celebrated his last year of teaching this past May - the pic was one of our last gatherings with him before he left AZ. He retired and took on a business venture with family in Oregon, leaving AZ immediately after the year ended. Sadly to report, the venture failed pretty solidly- the economy is just not what it needed to be for him. I continue to hope for him, though, and eating lunch at DF with the team (sans Tim) was so strange. Tim's replacement, Rod, was there. He seems to be a strange and somewhat pushy fellow, and I find his classroom uninspiring/sterile-- but time will tell as to how he fits with the team that the 4 of us are. I really want to keep an optimistic and open mind, though I admit that I'm horrible at sticking to first/2nd impressions. Truly, I am so fortunate to work with these folks, and to work so closely. Each of these 4 (above) are deeply invested in the SpEd students as well as regular kids. They are so flexible about accommodating or giving one of my/our kids extra tutoring if needed, or in modifying an assignment to the student's ability level. They are encouraging when I'm tired, lend supportive shoulders when I need an extra shoulder to stress on because mine are crippled under the weight... Heidi, especially. She is truly my Sedona Mom. She has a daughter close in age to me. Heidi and I think very-very-very similarily, and work very well in the classroom together. There's a dynamic that works well, and the kids laugh when a total-dork-moment between us passes during class. I laugh with her... oh, man, do I laugh. I don't even notice at all anymore, nor do I mind in the least, that she is 30 years older than I am.

The sad part of my day came after I got my copy of the school-wide class rosters. While looking through each of the classroom teachers' list of students, I was highlighting names of the students on myc aseload who qualify for SpEd. I counted the number of students that I have that will be in 6th grade. (My caseload are the Resource students in 5th, 6th, 7th, & 8th grades) The number of 6th grade SpEd kids didn't measure up to the number it should have been based on who was in 5th last year. I realized it then -- My boy "S" was missing. I quickly ran down to the office and inquired as to why "S" didn't appear on the list. I learned that his family moved to Cottonwood, and he was officially withdrawn. Now, students come and go all the time- I know this. Truthfully, sometimes I *smile* internally at this when I see a certain problem leave the district... But today I wanted to cry, at this departure. "S" was one of the kiddos I worked especially hard with last year, and is truly a kid who was settled and thriving in our program. He is the last of his namy siblings to go through BP and SpEd. He's had a rough history, is very often overlooked among the inhabitants of his busy-busy home, and I was learning how to try to meet his needs emotionally as well as academically. His heart needed a bit more love than some of the others did, and Ienjoyed slipping him a goofy comic strip or making a silly face at him when he needed a perk-up. My boy "S" knew all sorts of random trivia relating to pie, and I don't mean the mathematical kind of pi. S knows all about the kind of pie filled with apples, cinnamon, peach, pumpkin... The kid absolutely adores all things pie. I even gave him a "peace" of pie (picture) once. He loved practicing his letter-writing skills during a unit we did in composing letters to an Army friend of mine who was at the time serving in Afghanistan. S's face lit up when this friend, Luke, came home for Thanksgiving and came to the classroom for a visit with the kids.

I wish that S knew how many moments of my life were made brighter by his playful humor and the moments he let pieces of his vulnerability show through the 'armor' he hung onto so tightly. I will miss his ray of sunshine in my classroom. Perhaps cheesy words, but ones that are true.

Thankful tonight for kids who remind me of WHY I am here, doing what I am doing. Thankful tonight for these reminders of people I love.

Ok. Enough. Time to get a TUMS and finally claim a few hours of sleep for myself... 'night.

You Know Summer's Over When...

... Your alarm clock is going off at 6:30 am. That was tough... Real tough. Painfully tough.

Setting my clock for the "real" wake-up time for 5am, in a few days, is going to be tougher. So I thought I would start my week out with some time to adjust to a new schedule. Yes, I do wake up at 5am on typical school days. I find that I do much better with planned time to read, go for a walk, etc- my mind is fresher and readier to work when I have ample time to wake up and "mentalize" my thoughts before the chaotic days at work begin.

I did go to Big Park from about 8:30 am until almost 2:30 pm. It really wasn't that bad. I did a lot of setting-up and organizing; cleaning out piles of papers from teachers before me, figuring out what exactly the storage cabinet does have stuffed inside of it, hanging up new bulletin-board trim (apples!) around my board, etc. I had a lot of well-intentioned but semi-obnoxious interruptions from the janitor guy today... I will try to post pictures of my classroom (maybe some from the campus) soon! Let me finish more of the organization first...

This pic is old, it is from last summer- just after I'd signed my first contract with BP. But it does show the beautiful view from our elementary playground!!

Sayde did really, really well in her kennel while I was at school. I was very pleased. It had been a few weeks since I'd last kenneled her, so I was a little nervous to see how she'd do. Continuing our practice with verbal commands & hand signals, she did "go in (her) house" when I pointed towards her kennel. There's this product, PupCorn, that she just looooo-ves. She got a pupcorn today, and that made her a happy girl. Therefore, it made me a happy girl, too!

Oprah is becoming of high interest for me. I don't mean the show, or her book lists (some of which I have actually tried to read, and detested)-- I mean her website. http://www.oprah.com/index has loads of good-looking and healthful recipes, good articles written by respectable and credible-seeming people, and overall it just has a good "positivity" feeling to it. I am really hopefully about trying one of the recipes tomorrow, for baked cinnamon apples with honey-sweetned farmers' cheese. Two of my favorite ingredients? Apples? Cheese? Together?!! Sounds like a winning combination for me!!

I am doing pretty okay today... sticking to positive and productive thinking was easier for me today. Ate pretty healthily today, too- half bagel and yogurt for breakfast, frozen Swedish meatball Lean Cusine for lunch, snack was hard-boiled egg/edamame/more yogurt (various times of day), and dinner was chicken/rice with jerk sauce. Not too bad!

MTV had a show that I just finished watching, about stuents and kids with hearing impairments and some with cochlear implants. Kids getting to hear for the first time, living the same life of struggling in a hearing world- same as me. Pretty exciting, actually. It was really fun to see some all-too-familiar aspects of my own life, on TV, I guess. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKJo-krJJNY

I'm thankful today for the following:

6. Talking with yet another friend from wayyyyy way back, thanks to Face Book!
5. Shows on MTV that are often rather pointless, but today there was one that was actually informative & worth watching. Hopefully someone learned something new that they hadn't known before. :)

I didn't take this picture, but it did make me smile. It was titled, "Hello there!" Goodnight.

Sweet Potato

It is 4:50 am... can't sleep due to another headache. Thinking about another dear, sweet friend.

I think about you every day, girl, at least once or twenty times. Sayde is sleeping next to my bed-- you two would have been great friends. There is so much love..... still. Thankyou. xoxo

Okay.... I lied!!

I lied.... Sort of. Maybe more like mis-statements about Italy being my Mental Escape...
I realized something this morning, after having written my last post. While I do admire and adore all things Italy, I DO admire and adore other places in this ginormoous planet with great passion-- Ireland being another one. Italy is not my only Mental Happy Place. Sometimes I do find myself walking again, through Monasterboice Monastery, strolling through the cobbled streets of Galway, or standing in the wind of misty Cliffs of Moher. Perhaps these travels are only through the alleys of my memory, but they are dear and frequent in my heart. A large piece of me also felt at-home in Ireland. Perhaps one day I will take an "Eat, Pray, Love" travel trip of my own countries-starting-with-a-letter-I. Elizabeth Gilbert travels through Italy, India, and Indonesia in her book. I know I mention this book for the second time here in this blog. In my own trip, I would travel extensively through Ireland, Italy, and possibly Iceland. (Just because it's a country I know nothing about, and it's rather off the beaten track of typical tourism.) India also holds a pique of interest... I always did want to ride an elephant!

Today was a good day. I had a lazy morning with my mom. I finally was able to sleep in this morning--thanks to the Tylenol PM I took at about 2:30 am, when I was still awake with a headache behind my eyes. I slept 'til about 9:30, read the newspaper with mom, drinking a cup of "Java Chai" tea. I even put a little bit of vanilla soy milk into it, pretty tasty. I ate pretty good today, too. A banana and yogurt for breakfast, rice & curried spinach for lunch, a few crackers for snack, and for dinner ate bbq chicken with baked potato & spinach-cranberry salad. I just had another yogurt a little while ago, so that I could take a prescription. I also found a really good deal on khaki pants at Target, and bought a pair of black khakis and a camel-colored tan pair. I am setting a personal goal for myself, that I don't wear my comfort clothing of Jeans as often to school as I did the past year. I need & want to look more professional. I also found a cute shirt to wear for the first day of school!! (Remember the days of buying a special new outfit for the first day of school!?! I always kept mine hanging crisply and pristinely in my closest, eagerly awaiting the First Day Back. Yeah, well, I still do that...) :)

My original plans of leaving for Sedona today didn't happen, obviously. I hadn't realized that today being August 1st, was the Flagstaff Art Walk. If you don't know what Art Walk is, is a relatively new-ish event for Flagstaff. On the first Friday of every month, the entire downtown area -- art galleries, stores, restaraunts, bars -- stay open late into the night, and people gather and walk among shops. Many places offer free hors d'oerves (sp?) or wine samplings. I had a few gourmet crackers with fresh slices of parmesan, for example. Flagstaff also has its Friday Movies on the Square happening still, until September, so there were a LOT of people downtown tonight. I saw two of the kids that I used to babysit. Sarah Joy and her brother Caleb, I have known and loved since they both were newborns. Sarah is now entering her Senior year of HS, and Caleb is in 6th grade. Both were gorgeous and beautiful. My parents invited their friend Penny to come with us, and I enjoyed getting to know her as well. My Auxillary Sister (a former-student of Peter's that my family has "adopted") also joined us for much of the evening. Oh! We also saw the mother & son that were my dog Sayde's foster parents, before I adopted her. They were thrilled to learn that Sayde is happy, healthy, and finally enjoying having a forever home. I promised to send them pictures soon. Overall... it was just really fun...

I am finding that I do *better* when I keep myself busy, and when I am around other people. I will have some "alone" time at my apartment in Sedona, these last few precious days before school begins. Truthfully, I am worried about what effect the silence and stillness of my own privacy will bring to me. Is my head going to slip back into the familiar, yet frightening, path towards depressive thinking- where I am unable to see past the lonliness and fear that I feel? In this, I feel ultimately consumed and so completely powerless to swim to the surface, mixaphorically speaking. Is my head going to be able to maintain its doing-okay-in-this-moment state that it has found these last couple of days? Can I handle the solitude? I guess tomorrow, I will find out. I need to do anything and everything I can do to stay busy, and to create opportunities from time to time where I am around other people. I joined up with a website that was recommended to me by my cousin Jen, http://www.meetup.com/, a group of others-wanting-to-explore the Sedona area, and a few of them are in my own age group. I have not yet done any of the posted events, for example, tubing down the Verde River and going to plays. I haven't been in Sedona at all this summer, hardly. I know, I know-- that's not really an excuse. But still, I'm open to the idea of meeting with some new people when the timing and my location are convenient. Perhaps once school is under-way and I'm rolling in the routine again. So yes. Today was a good day. I didn't struggle with my thoughts and emotions. I really enjoyed seeing some dear people, getting to know another new dear person, and spending time with my amazing parents.

My little friend Trenton went to his Kindergarten Orientation today. I haven't yet heard details, but I am soooo excited for this new chapter in this young little guy's life!

Happy birthday, August 2nd, to Nikki (in Glendale) and Paul (in Chengdu, China)!! May you enjoy this next new year of your lives! Learn something new, enjoy your memories, and laugh every day.

Things that I am thankful for today:
4. Flagstaff Art Walk, seeing friends both old and new, and free wine!
3. That my mother also wants to pursue the potential hobby of Yoga, and that we can be encouragement partners for each other.

"Hey, you look like that poster for Ireland-Long blonde hair and the sweet sunny face-Oh no wait that's the poster for Sweden-Oh screw it. I'll never see either place!-But a girl sweet as you has a future-You have hope as each new day dawns-Girls like you always get to see Ireland-Give my love to the leprechauns...."

"Ireland," from Legally Blonde, the Musical

I do want to see this show someday!! :)

Goodnight to you, at 2:04 am. Or is that "Good morning"?

Numero Uno

I'm a 26-year old resident of Arizona... I've lived here my entire life, though my head often floats to Italy through images I find on the Internet. I can't speak the language, but I sure can eat the food! I have been blessed to have travelled to Italy two times (so far!)- once visiting with a friend and once with my younger sister. The reason I post a picture of Italy above is because it is my Happy Place, and where I go in my dreams or when I need a mental escape from a tough situation. I don't know who's going to want to read this, but I put these thoughts into words ultimately for my own Self.

I'm writing this on my last night of summer. I don't actually begin school for a few days still, but my last "mental" night of summer. The time has come for me to redirect my mental thoughts towards being a Teacher again; one with early-bedtimes, healthier eating habits, regular exercise, and a daily routine with more structure. Gone are the hours of being able to lay in a hammock and read...

I woke up this morning, with my head literally consumed with thoughts about school- worries, organization, lessons, co-workers, administration, and on and on. It took me awhile to shake the negativity out and "snap out of it." Negativity has been my constant stalker this summer, following me. While it has been a mostly relaxing summer vacation, I have really been struggling mentally, have been challenged with what thoughts my brain (and heart) become fixated on. I have spent the summer with my parents, in Flagstaff, for this reason--I have really needed their support and company.

I didn't intend for this "first post" to be a negative one, as I'm trying to turn a metaphoric new leaf- but it's my reality. I'm not going to hide what I've thought and felt, what I am thinking and feeling. I'm hoping that a near-daily journal will help. A dear friend suggested the idea to me, and I think that the time has finally come for me to Write it Out.

The highlight of my day today was unexpectedly coming in contact with a friend whom I've known longer than just about anyone else I know. My mother and I were walking past the City Courthouse, heading into Downtown to look for new shoes for her. On the Courtyard grass we could see a photography session occurring, two behind a camera and one on the steps of the courthouse. My mom turned to me, and pointed at the lady on the steps being photographed. She says, "I feel like I should know who that is, but I don't!" One of the photographers then leaves the tripod, and comes running over to us, yelling, "It's Nikki! It's Nikki! I cut my hair!" Neither Mom or I would have recognized her from the distance, but it indeed was Nikki-- my oldest friend and buddy from Kindergarten and Girl Scouts! She looked radiant, as she usually does, and did have the shortest haircut I've ever seen on her. Being Nikki and who she is, the haircut looked beautiful. And so did she. It did my heart a lot of good to see her again, and to finally have a way to communicate with her again. She's working for a news channel in Phx most of the week, and does work in Flag at a radio station part of the week. It was just really, really good to see her. Maybe 2 years have passed since I last saw Nik.

Another recent reunion led me to an old NAU friend, Dawn. In my recent discovery of FaceBook.com, I was typing names into the search browswer as I thought of them. (Being a nerd, pretty much!) Dawn's married name came up, and I quickly sent her a note. (Fortunately, she remembered me!) :) Dawn and I had a few classes together at NAU in the College of Education, and we often walked together after class ended. She graduated a year ahead of me, but we talked through AIM and wrote letters & cards. I remember thinking, the first day I met her, "This is someone that I really want to get to know." Her cheerful outlook, smiles, and constant friendship and positivity were a regular part of that chapter at NAU, and I've missed that over the past few years. Over time, she married the love of her life, and I became pretty consumed with school, and time sort of drifted us apart. While it's not quite the same as a physical reunion (hugs and laughter) with Nikki, my heart still has been deeply warmed as of late, having Dawn back in my life. I am so looking forwards to continuing the friendship I once had with her... Now I have somebody to visit in Tucson! :)

Tomorrow, I head back to my little apartment in Sedona. I'm actually quite nervous about it, as I haven't really spent much time alone this summer. My dog & I have loved being in the cooler temperatures (about 10-15 deg cooler than Sedona) and among the backyard forest of my parents' house. We've enjoyed walks in the woods, accompanied by squirrels. After a few quick errands in town, I'll drive the 45 minutes back to the Village. I will probably go to Big Park (School) on Saturday. It will be the first time I've entered my classroom (to work) in over 2 months. I have a lot of work to do there.

I am reading the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's wonderful. SO much of what she has written echoes my own thoughts or patterns. I relate to a lot of it, and don't relate at all to parts of it. I enjoy her humor and laughter, as well as her ability to expose the rawest parts of her spirit. (Segment #1 occurs in Italy!) I highly recommend the book...

On this last day of Summer Vacation, I am conflicted by worry and hope, dread and excitement, and failing to find an equilibrium. Tomorrow is a brand-new day, and I am so glad for that.

On this last day of Summer Vacation, I am thankful for:
2. An unexpected and much-needed quick reunion with an old friend
1. The unending encouragement of my family

Buona Notte!